“Oh, there are a lot of lousy people in the world. Also, a lot of terrific people. You’ve gotta remember that, and you’ve got to move in the right circles. I have days where I just want everyone to go fuck themselves or walk off a cliff, but I only say that to myself, and I smile and I walk home and I have some tea, I talk to my husband, I might take a nap. Then I wake up and I write, and in writing, I wipe away all the unpleasantness of the day, of the people, of the city, whatever. We have it in our power to overcome assholes, and I think we have them thrown into our path to see if we have the chops to handle them." Interview with Ruth Gordon
. Conducted by James Grissom
1984
In the past year, even before, but especially this past year, I’ve felt much more like I am an animal, or a tree or leaf or insert your favorite creature in nature, versus being a human. Of course, I am human, and I am no better than anyone reading this-but I think the reality that has sunken in for me is that many more humans than I thought really aren’t very kind. They really aren’t people I’d break bread with if I knew what is in their heart. I certainly wouldn’t bring them into my barnyard.
I’ve always been an optimist, always. In the last year, or a bit more, that has wavered. I am seeing the underbelly that was always there in this country, and world-I just always thought there were more of the kind people than the not-so- kind ones. Of course, those I call unkind think I’m this or that or whatever label they have crowned as superior. I use to think we could all talk it out. I use to think if I just focus on the good in anyone’s heart, even Putin’s or [add a name of your choice]. But I guess like an old friend said to me over 30 years ago-“Katherine, some people are just evil”. At the time, I was so sad to hear him say it, he was the kindest person and really a friend and still is and I valued his opinion, still do. So when he said that, I felt so sad for the world. I refused to see it. But I see it now, or I think I do and it’s making me want to stay inside the fences of the farm. I’ve always been a homebody but lately I just have lost trust in so many humans, including humans I don’t even know walking in the grocery store.So, there’s that going on inside me. Trying to be human amongst humans that are total selfish non empathetic control freaks. They were always there. They just are louder and stronger now, as they’ve been encouraged to expand their horizons.
For years now, I thought my job is to just bring my heart to everything i do-and i feel I have. My heart ended up almost exploding because of it. I truly believe my heart was breaking from not only so many animals deaths in the past year, but also combined with going to the elder homes for seven years and watching those people die. Thing is, I’m not afraid really of death, but I work amongst it, and it is a lot of loss.
The surgeon said to me before my bypass, “You have an incredibly strong heart to have survived 99.9% blockage, but it’s like your heart has been saying as best it could, “I can do this today, but sure I can do this too much longer.”
That struck me. When I had my follow up echo and go to hear my heart pushing blood [it sounds like a washing machine!] I almost cried, I was so proud of her. At night since surgery, I always pat my heart and thank her, and i also often apologize to her. I was working her so hard.
One of the things I tweaked in my life was stepping back from taking animals to Cove’s, a medicare facility in our area that takes in elders, ones that can’t afford other care. They do their best, but in reality, it can be a very bleak place to visit. I’ve been doing visits for 8 years there and other places. After heart surgery, something needed to shift, for my heart…for my physical heart and emotional heart. So I don’t go there anymore. I took a break, but then my calls and emails weren’t responded too. It was hurtful after all the time and energy I put into those visits-often bringing gifts like handmade puzzles and playing cards, dolls and decorations- but in time I see it was for the best. I did my work there, now I needed to step away. I won’t go back. I still share my animals with elders, but in smaller, intimate ways and in settings that seem to value what I’m doing and show it.
But at the same time, I am feeling I would rather focus on my animals, and my art. I feel those are the things that won’t completely break my heart. As Ruth Gordon says in her quote above, we do have the power to overcome assholes. It’s all in how you deal with something, not what was tossed at you. So to deal with assholes, I’m reaching inside, and bringing out-through art, writing and animal care-what I feel in my heart. My heart hung in there for me-now and I must hang in there for her.
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