When I'm vulnerable like this, it helps me understand my animals even more

I had my surgery on Tuesday in which they carved out a nice 6 inch area on my back to take out a melanoma. The cut goes down to the muscle so there is a recovery period, which I'm in now. All is well so far.

In the hands of the nurses and caretakers at surgery, you must let go, and be vulnerable as you are in their world, and it made me think how these experiences can enhance my work with the vulnerable animals.

Here I am recovering at home with a fine nurse aide-aka Martyn- getting help when I need it. I can speak up and ask for help. But animals can't. They are of course speaking up for help in their own language-a growl, eye and ear position, tail flagging, pawing dirt, etc. But it is up to us animal caregivers to translate their expressions. And many species do not show pain or vulnerability as that would be a kiss of death out in the wild.

Not being able to do simple movements after a surgery is a feeling of vulnerability. And when you get to my age, you start to be more aware that younger people might be looking at you as old, or not able to help yourself. We do not want to be felt sorry for, we do not want pity. We simply need some help. We do not want to be detracted from as we age.

I am an active person, as you might have guessed. I prefer to work alone. All of that is trouble for any recovery, even a simple recovery which in many ways this is. I'm so grateful I opted not to have the lymph nodes removed too [common procedure, but we opted to do another test that allows me to have follow up sonograms of nodes, since the tests showed low probability of spread]. I can only imagine the discomfort of that. I was thinking how my animals rely on me to make those choices. They are blessed in a way without knowing the details-which is what makes this job difficult at times.

Martyn has stayed home with me all week. It felt silly, but really it is needed. Bending, pulling, all can be bad for the back incision, so I am following orders. I do get to care for the front barn and Lulu and Olive Oil. Today I sat with Olive a bit-she is doing okay, in fact she was up and standing this morning which is a great sign, she usually waits for me. I am her nurse, I am the one that helps her as she is in her vulnerable positions. I am the one who tries to show her empathy without demeaning her as she tries to walk and stand-just like the nurses do after surgery. Even if she could speak in my language, it's possible she would hold back telling me everything-to protect her freedom-just as we people do when speaking to a nurse as we try to leave the hospital as soon as we are able, and get back to our world where we walk and climb stairs on our own.

I thought of the times I'd try to take the arm of Martyn's elder father when he'd walk on stairs, and he would pull his arm away, in a bit of disgust-he did not want my help. But as I age, I get it too–he just wanted to show himself and everyone he could still do it, he did not want to be detracted from.